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 PostPosted: Sun Jul 14, 2013 10:52 am Reply with quote  
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  e-Bob
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 PostPosted: Mon Jul 15, 2013 11:01 am Reply with quote  
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  e-Bob
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There are three kinds of people in this world
1: Optimist- the glass is half full
2: Pessimist- the glass is half empty
3: Pragmatist- Hey there's room for Vodka!

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 PostPosted: Fri Jul 26, 2013 11:02 am Reply with quote  
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  e-Bob
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 PostPosted: Tue Jul 30, 2013 11:34 am Reply with quote  
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  e-Bob
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An Irishman was standing at a bar and a beautiful woman was beside him, so he leans over and says, "You remind me of my little toe."

She replies, "What? You mean I'm small and cute?"

He says, "No. I'll probably bang you on the coffee table later when I'm drunk."

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 PostPosted: Tue Aug 13, 2013 8:19 am Reply with quote  
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This is the best example for paying attention that I have ever heard.

First-year students at the Purdue Vet School were attending their first anatomy class with a real dead cow. They all gathered around the surgery table with the body covered with a white sheet. The professor started the class by telling them, "In Veterinary medicine it is necessary to have two important qualities as a doctor.

The first is that you not be disgusted by anything involving the animal's body." For an example, the professor pulled back the sheet, stuck his finger in the butt of the cow, withdrew it, and stuck his finger in his mouth. "Go ahead and do the same thing," he told his students. The students freaked out, hesitated for several minutes, but eventually took turns sticking a finger in the butt of the dead cow and sucking on it. When everyone finished, the Professor looked at them and said,

"The second most important quality is observation. I stuck in my middle finger and sucked on my index finger. Now learn to pay attention. Life's tough but it's even tougher if you're stupid."

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 PostPosted: Tue Aug 13, 2013 8:37 am Reply with quote  
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  e-Bob
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This asshole Girl looked at my beer belly last night and sarcastically said, "Is that Corona or Bud?"
I said, "There's a tap underneath. Taste it and find out."

***********
I was talking to a girl in the bar last night.
She said, "If you lost a few pounds, had a shave and got your hair cut, you 'd look all right."
I said, "If I did that, I'd be talking to your friends over there instead of you."

***********
I got caught taking a pee in the local swimming pool today.
The lifeguard shouted at me so loud, I nearly fell in.

***********

I went to the pub last night and saw a fat chick dancing on a table.
I said, "Nice legs."
The girl giggled and said with a smile, "Do you really think so."
I said "Definitely! Most tables would have collapsed by now. "

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 PostPosted: Mon Aug 19, 2013 10:55 am Reply with quote  
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 PostPosted: Thu Sep 05, 2013 11:04 am Reply with quote  
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  e-Bob
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If you are 36, or older, you might think this is hilarious!

When I was a kid, adults used to bore me to tears with their tedious diatribes about how hard things were. When they were growing up; what with walking twenty-five miles to school every morning.... Uphill... Barefoot... BOTH ways...yadda, yadda, yadda

And I remember promising myself that when I grew up, there was no way in hell I was going to lay a bunch of crap like that on my kids about how hard I had it and how easy they've got it!

But now that I'm over the ripe old age of forty, I can't help but look around and notice the youth of today. You've got it so easy! I mean, compared to my childhood, you live in a damn Utopia! And I hate to say it, but you kids today, you don't know how good you've got it!

1) I mean, when I was a kid we didn't have the Internet. If we wanted to know something, we had to go to the damn library and look it up ourselves, in the card catalog!!

2) There was no email!! We had to actually write somebody a letter - with a pen! Then you had to walk all the way across the street and put it in the mailbox, and it would take like a week to get there! Stamps were 10 cents!

3) Child Protective Services didn't care if our parents beat us. As a matter of fact, the parents of all my friends also had permission to kick our ass! Nowhere was safe!

4) There were no MP3's or Napsters or iTunes! If you wanted to steal music, you had to hitchhike to the record store and shoplift it yourself!

5) Or you had to wait around all day to tape it off the radio, and the DJ would usually talk over the beginning and @#*% it all up! There were no CD players! We had tape decks in our car. We'd play our favorite tape and "eject" it when finished, and then the tape would come undone rendering it useless. Cause, hey, that's how we rolled, Baby! Dig?

6) We didn't have fancy crap like Call Waiting! If you were on the phone and somebody else called, they got a busy signal, that's it!

7) There weren't any freakin' cell phones either. If you left the house, you just didn't make a damn call or receive one. You actually had to be out of touch with your "friends". OH MY GOSH !!! Think of the horror... not being in touch with someone 24/7!!! And then there's TEXTING. Yeah, right. Please! You kids have no idea how annoying you are.

And we didn't have fancy Caller ID either! When the phone rang, you had no idea who it was! It could be your school, your parents, your boss, your bookie, your drug dealer, the collection agent... you just didn't know!!! You had to pick it up and take your chances, mister!

9) We didn't have any fancy PlayStation or Xbox video games with high-resolution 3-D graphics! We had the Atari 2600! With games like 'Space Invaders' and 'Asteroids'. Your screen guy was a little square! You actually had to use your imagination!!! And there were no multiple levels or screens, it was just one screen.. Forever! And you could never win. The game just kept getting harder and harder and faster and faster until you died! Just like LIFE!

10) You had to use a little book called a TV Guide to find out what was on! You were screwed when it came to channel surfing! You had to get off your ass and walk over to the TV to change the channel!!! NO REMOTES!!! Oh, no, what's the world coming to?!?!

11) There was no Cartoon Network either! You could only get cartoons on Saturday Morning. Do you hear what I'm saying? We had to wait ALL WEEK for cartoons, you spoiled little rat-bastards!

12) And we didn't have microwaves. If we wanted to heat something up, we had to use the stove! Imagine that!

13) And our parents told us to stay outside and play... all day long. Oh, no, no electronics to soothe and comfort. And if you came back inside... you were doing chores!

And car seats - oh, please! Mom threw you in the back seat and you hung on. If you were lucky, you got the "safety arm" across the chest at the last moment if she had to stop suddenly, and if your head hit the dashboard, well that was your fault for calling "shot gun" in the first place!

See! That's exactly what I'm talking about! You kids today have got it too easy. You're spoiled rotten! You guys wouldn't have lasted five minutes back in 1970 or any time before!

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 PostPosted: Thu Sep 12, 2013 12:42 pm Reply with quote  
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This one's for all you single geeks

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 PostPosted: Fri Sep 13, 2013 9:53 am Reply with quote  
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This guy walks into an antique store and notices a brass rat sitting on one of the top shelves. He asks the clerk, "How much for that brass rat?". The clerk says "Well sir, it's 25 bucks just for the rat, and 50 bucks if you want to hear the story that goes with it. Take my word, you'll want to *hear* the story." The guy says "No, I believe I'll just take the rat for 25 bucks."

So, this fella takes his brass rat and heads down the street. Right away he notices that a *real* rat is following him, so he makes a quick turn down the next street. He passes an alley, at which point about a half-dozen rats come out and start following him. This guy is getting pretty panicked at this point, so he starts heading out toward the outskirts of town. When he passes the town dump, *hundreds* of rats stream out and follow him. Our hero is beside himself at this point, so as he passes the river that winds around town, he tosses the brass rat right in the drink. Every last one of the real rats follows the brass rat into the river and drowns.

Relieved, our protagonist heads back to the antique store where he got the brass rat. "I knew it!", says the clerk, "You're back to hear the story about the rat, aren't you?". "No sir", says the guy, "I just wanted to find out how much you're asking for that brass accordion I see you've got up there."

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 PostPosted: Fri Sep 13, 2013 9:53 am Reply with quote  
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doctor gives him a prescription for a mild laxative and tells him, "If it doesn't work, let me know."

A week later the guy is back: "Doc, still no movement!"

The doctor says, "Hmm, guess you need something stronger," and prescribes a powerful laxative.

Still another week later the poor guy is back: "Doc, STILL nothing!"

The doctor, worried, says, "We'd better get some more information about you to try to figure out what's going on. What do you do for a living?"

"I'm a musician, I play the accordion."

The doctor looks up and says, "Well, that's it! Here's $10.00. Go get something to eat!"

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 PostPosted: Fri Sep 20, 2013 7:39 am Reply with quote  
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Leaning back, he smiled as his wife moved forward, then backwards; forward, then backwards again...... back and forth. back and forth..... in and out.......

She could feel the sweat on her forehead, between her breasts, and trickling down the small of her back. She was getting near the end.

Her heart was pounding..... Her face was flushed.....

Then she moaned, softly at first, but began to groan louder.

Finally, totally exhausted, she let out an almighty scream and shouted:

"Okay, Okay!!! I can

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 PostPosted: Fri Sep 20, 2013 10:53 am Reply with quote  
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Yossele Zelkovitz worked in a Jewish pickle factory.
For many years he had a powerful desire to put his penis in the pickle slicer.

Unable to stand it any longer, he sought professional help from the factory psychologist..

After six months, going everyday,the therapist finally gave up.

He advised Yossel to go ahead and do it or he would probably never have any peace of mind.

The next day he came home from work very early.

His wife, Sacha, became alarmed and wanted to know what
had happened.

Yossel tearfully confessed his tormenting desire to put his penis in the pickle slicer. He went on to explain that today he finally went ahead and did it, and he was immediately fired.

Sacha gasped and ran over to her husband. She quickly yanked down his pants and shorts only to find a normal, completely intact penis. She looked up and said,
"I don't understand. What about the pickle slicer?"


Yossel replied, "I think she got fired, too."

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 PostPosted: Mon Sep 30, 2013 10:39 am Reply with quote  
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Eight Words with two Meanings



1. THINGY (thing-ee) n.
Female...... Any part under a car's hood.
Male..... The strap fastener on a woman's bra.

2. VULNERABLE (vul-ne-ra-bel) adj.
Female.... Fully opening up one's self emotionally to another.
Male..... Playing football without a cup.

3. COMMUNICATION (ko-myoo-ni-kay-shon) n.
Female... The open sharing of thoughts and feelings with one's partner.
Male... Leaving a note before taking off on a fishing trip with the boys.

4. COMMITMENT (ko- mit-ment) n.
Female..... A desire to get married and raise a family.
Male...... Trying not to hit on other women while out with this one.

5. ENTERTAINMENT (en-ter-tayn-ment) n.
Female.... A good movie, concert, play or book.
Male...... Anything that can be done while drinking beer.

6. FLATULENCE (flach-u-lens) n.
Female.... An embarrassing by-product of indigestion.
Male...... A source of entertainment, self-expression, male bonding.

7 MAKING LOVE (may-king luv) n.
Female...... The greatest expression of intimacy a couple can achieve.
Male..... Call it whatever you want, just as long as we do it.

8. REMOTE CONTROL (ri-moht kon-trohl) n.
Female.... A device for changing from one TV channel to another.
Male... A device for scanning through all 375 channels every 5 minutes.

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 PostPosted: Tue Oct 08, 2013 8:52 am Reply with quote  
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Charles Willams is on his deathbed, and knows the end is near. He is with his nurse, his wife, his daughter,
and two sons. he says to them:

"Leroy, I want you to take the Beverly Hills houses.

Mary, take the apartments over in Los Angeles Plaza.

Jim, I want you to take the offices over in City Center.

Doris, my dear wife, please take all the residential buildings downtown."

The nurse is just blown away by all this, and, as Charles slips away, she says , "Mrs. Williams, you must be so proud of your husband! Your
husband must have been a brilliant, hard-working man to have accumulated all this property."

Sarah replies, "what property? ... the asshole had a paper route!"

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