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 PostPosted: Fri May 03, 2013 8:17 am Reply with quote  
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  e-Bob
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1. Is it good if a vacuum really sucks?

2. Why is the third hand on a watch called the second hand?

3. If a word is misspelled in the dictionary, how would we ever know?

4. If Webster wrote the first dictionary, where did he find the words?

5. Why do we say something is out of whack? What is a whack?

6. Why does "slow down" and "slow up" mean the same thing?

7. Why does "fat chance" and "slim chance" mean the same thing?

8. Why do "tug" boats push their barges?

9. Why do we sing "Take me out to the ball game" when we are already there?

10. Why are they called "stands" when they are made for sitting?

11. Why is it called "after dark" when it is really "after light"?


12. Doesn't "expecting the unexpected" make the unexpected expected?

13. Why are a "wise man" and a "wise guy" opposites?

14. Why do "overlook" and "oversee" mean opposite things?

15. Why is "phonics" not spelled the way it sounds?

16. If work is so terrific, why do they have to pay you to do it?

17. If all the world is a stage, where is the audience sitting?

18. If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?

19. If you are cross-eyed and have dyslexia, can you read all right?

20. Why is bra singular and panties plural?

21. Why do you press harder on the buttons of a remote control when you know the batteries are dead?

22. Why do we put suits in garment bags and garments in a suitcase?

23. How come abbreviated is such a long word?

24. Why do we wash bath towels? Aren't we clean when we use them?

25. Why doesn't glue stick to the inside of the bottle?

26. Why do they call it a TV set when you only have one?

27. Christmas - What other time of year do you sit in front of a dead tree and eat candy out of your socks?

28. Why do we drive on a parkway and park on a driveway?

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 PostPosted: Wed May 08, 2013 7:17 am Reply with quote  
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  e-Bob
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The Trucker

A trucker who has been out on the road for three weeks stops into a brothel outside of Las Vegas.

He walks straight up to the Madam, drops down $500 and says,"I want your ugliest woman and a baloney sandwich!!!"

The Madam is astonished. "But sir, for that kind of money you could have one of my finest ladies and a three-course meal."

The trucker replies, "Listen sweetheart, I ain't horny, I'm homesick."

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 PostPosted: Tue May 28, 2013 9:25 am Reply with quote  
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  e-Bob
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Typical - for Wall Mart



Here's what went wrong this spring


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 PostPosted: Tue May 28, 2013 9:26 am Reply with quote  
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The Lone Ranger was ambushed and captured by an enemy Indian War Party.

The Indian Chief proclaims,
"So, YOU are the great Lone Ranger..."
"In honor of the Harvest Festival,
YOU will be executed in three days.
Before I kill you, I grant you three requests.
What is your FIRST request???"

The Lone Ranger responds,
"I'd like to speak to my horse."

The Chief nods and Silver is brought
before the Lone Ranger who whispers in
Silver's ear, and the horse gallops away.

Later that evening, Silver returns with
a beautiful blonde woman on his back.
As the Indian Chief watches, the blonde enters the
Lone Ranger's tent and spends the night.

The next morning the Indian Chief admits
he's impressed.
"You have a very fine and loyal horse,

But I will still kill you in two days.

What is your SECOND request???"

The Lone Ranger again asks to speak
to his horse.
Silver is brought to him, and he again whispers in the horse's ear.

As before, Silver takes off and disappears over the horizon.

Later that evening, to the Chief's surprise, Silver again returns,
this time with a voluptuous brunette, more attractive than the blonde.

She enters the Lone Rangers tent
and spends the night.

The following morning the Indian Chief
is again impressed.
"You are indeed a man of many talents,
But I will still kill you tomorrow.
What is your LAST request ?"

The Lone Ranger responds,
"I'd like to speak to my horse...alone."

The Chief is curious, but he agrees,
and Silver is brought to
the Lone Ranger's tent.

Once they're alone, the Lone Ranger grabs Silver by both ears,
looks him square in the eye and says,

"READ MY LIPS!!!
FOR ... THE ... LAST ... TIME ...



BRING POSSE!"

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 PostPosted: Tue Jun 04, 2013 12:08 pm Reply with quote  
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  e-Bob
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This one's for all you married guys. We've all had this conversation:

http://vimeo.com/66753575

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 PostPosted: Thu Jun 06, 2013 2:21 pm Reply with quote  
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  e-Bob
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During a recent password audit by a company it was found that an employee was using the following password:

HueyLouieDopeyMickyMinnieDonaldGoofyAlbany

When asked why she had such a long password she rolled her eyes and said "Hello!!! It has to have at lease 7 characters and a capital."

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 PostPosted: Tue Jun 11, 2013 8:09 am Reply with quote  
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A guy broke into my apartment last week. He didn

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 PostPosted: Tue Jun 11, 2013 9:32 am Reply with quote  
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And ends up standing in front of the pearly gates. Saint Peter looks at him for a second, flicks through his book, and finds his name.

"So, you're a politician..."
"Well, yes, is that a problem?"
"Oh no, no problem. But we've recently adopted a new system for people in your line of work, and unfortunately you will have to spend a day in Hell. After that however, you're free to choose where you want to spend eternity!"

"Wait, I have to spend a day in Hell??" says the politician.
"Them's the rules" Says St Peter, clicks his fingers, and WOOMPH, the guy dissapears...

And awakes, curled up with his hands over his eyes, knowing he's in Hell. Cautiously, he listens for the screams, sniffs the air for brimstone, and finds... Nothing. Just the smell of, is that fabric softener? And cut grass, this can't be right?

"Open your eyes!" says a voice. "C'mon, wakey wakey, we've only got 24 hours!". Nervously, he uncovers his eyes, looks around, and sees he's in a hotel room. A nice one too. Wait, this is a penthouse suite... And there's a smiling man in a suit, holding a martini.
"Who are you??" The politician asks.
"Well, I'm Satan!" says the man, handing him the drink and helping him to his feet. "Welcome to Hell!"
"Wait, this is Hell? But... Where's all the pain and suffering?" he asks.
Satan throws him a wink. "Oh, we've been a bit mis-represented over the years, it's a long story. Anyway, this is your room! The minibar is of course free, as is the room service, there's extra towels next to the hot-tub, and if you need anything, just call reception. But enough of this! It's a beautiful day, and if you'd care to look outside..."

Slightly stunned by the opulent surroundings, the man wanders over to the floor-to-ceiling windows through which the sun is glowing, looks far down, and sees a group of people cheering and waving at him from a golf course.
"It's one of 5 pro-level courses on site, and there's another 6 just a few minutes drive out past the beach and harbour!" says Satan, answering his unasked question.

So they head down in the lift, walk out through the glittering lobby where everyone waves and welcomes the man, as Satan signs autographs and cherrily talks shop with the laughing staff. And as he walks out, he sees the group on the golf course are made up of every one of his old friends, people he's admired for years but never met or worked with, and people whose work he's admired but died long before his career started. And out of the middle of this group walks his wife, with a massive smile and the body she had when she was 20, who throws her arms around him and plants a delicate kiss on his cheek. Everyone cheers and applauds, and as they slap him on the back and trade jokes, his worst enemy arrives, as a 2 foot tall goblin-esque caddy.

He spends the day in the bright sunshine on the course, having the time of his life laughing at jokes and carrying important discussions, putting the world to rights with his friends while holding his delighted wife next to him as she gazes lovingly at him. Later, they return to the hotel for dinner and have an enormous meal, perfectly cooked, which descends into a food-fight when someone accidentally throws a bread roll at the next table (where Ghandi is having a game of truth-or-dare with Marylin Monroe). As everyone is falling about laughing and flinging breadsticks at each other, his wife whispers in his ear...

And they return to their penthouse suite, and spend the rest of the night making love like they did on their honeymoon. After 6 hours of intense passion, the man falls deep into the 100% Egyptian cotton pillows, and falls into a deep and happy sleep...

And is woken up by St Peter. "So, that was Hell. Wasn't what you were expecting, I bet?"
"No sir!" says the man.
"So then" says St Peter "you can make your choice. It's Hell, which you saw, or Heaven, which has choral singing, talking to God, white robes, and so on".
"Well... I know this sounds strange, but on balance, I think I'd prefer Hell" says the politician.
"Not a problem, we totally understand! Enjoy!" Says St Peter, and clicks his fingers again.

The man wakes up in total darkness, the stench of ammonia filling the air and distant screams the only noise. As he adjusts, he can see the only light is from belches of flame far away, illuminating the ragged remains of people being tortured or burning in a sulphurous ocean. A sudden bolt of lightning reveals Satan next to him, wearing the same suit as before and grinning, holding a soldering iron in one hand and a coil of razor-wire in the other.
"What's this??" He cries. "Where's the hotel?? Where's my wife??? Where's the minibar, the golf-courses, the pool, the restaurant, the free drinks and the sunshine???"

"Ah", says Satan. "You see, yesterday, we were campaigning. But today, you voted..."

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 PostPosted: Thu Jun 13, 2013 11:00 am Reply with quote  
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  e-Bob
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On the subject of noisy neighbors, I heard a story about a student at an English university, called Donald MacDonald from the Isle of Skye (or perhaps it was Neill MacNeill from Barra, but anyway ...), who was living in the hall of residence in his first year there. After he'd been there a month, his mother came to visit, no doubt carrying reinforcements of whiskey and oatmeal.

"And how do you find the English students, Donald?" she asked.

"Mother," he replied. "They're such terrible, noisy people. The one on that side keeps banging his head against the wall, and won't stop. The one on the other side screams and screams and screams, away into the night."

"Oh Donald! How do you manage to put up with these awful noisy English neighbours?"

"Mother, I do nothing. I just ignore them. I just stay here quietly, playing my bagpipes."

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 PostPosted: Thu Jun 13, 2013 11:03 am Reply with quote  
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 PostPosted: Wed Jun 19, 2013 3:26 pm Reply with quote  
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 PostPosted: Mon Jun 24, 2013 1:22 pm Reply with quote  
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Lawyers should never ask a West Virginia grandma a question if they aren't prepared for the answer.

In a trial, a Southern small-town prosecuting attorney called his first witness, a grandmotherly, elderly woman to the stand.

He approached her and asked, 'Mrs. Jones, do you know me?'

She responded, 'Why, yes, I do know you, Mr. Williams. I've known you since you were a boy, and frankly, you've been a big disappointment to me. You lie, you cheat on your wife, and you manipulate people and talk about them behind their backs. You think you're a big shot when you haven't the brains to realize you'll never amount to anything more than a two-bit paper pusher. Yes, I know you.'

The lawyer was stunned. Not knowing what else to do, he pointed across the room and asked, 'Mrs. Jones, do you know the defense attorney?'

She again replied, 'Why yes, I do. I've known Mr. Bradley since he was a youngster, too. He's lazy, bigoted, and he has a drinking problem. He can't build a normal relationship with anyone, and his law practice is one of the worst in the entire state. Not to mention he cheated on his wife with three different women. One of them was your wife. Yes, I know him.'

The defense attorney nearly died.

The judge asked both counselors to approach the bench and, in a very quiet voice, said, 'If either of you idiots asks her if she knows me, I'll send you both to the electric chair.

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 PostPosted: Wed Jun 26, 2013 7:52 am Reply with quote  
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A group of women were at a seminar on 'how to live in a loving relationship with your husband.'

The women were asked, "How many of you love your husband?"

All the women raised their hands.

Then they were asked, "When was the last time you told your husband you loved him?"

Some women answered today, some yesterday, some couldn't remember.

The women were then told to take out their cell phones and text their husband: "I love you, sweetheart."

The women were then told to exchange phones and to read aloud the text message responses.

Here are some of the replies:


1. Who is this?


2. Eh, mother of my children, are you sick?


3. I love you too.


4. What now? Did you crash the car again?


5. I don't understand what you mean?


6. What did you do now?


7. ?!?


8. Don't beat about the bush, just tell me how much you need?


9. Am I dreaming?


10. If you don't tell me who this message is actually for, someone will die.


11. I thought we agreed we would not drink during the day.


12. Your mother is coming to stay, isn't she??

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 PostPosted: Wed Jun 26, 2013 7:52 am Reply with quote  
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  e-Bob
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A businessman met a beautiful girl and agreed to spend
the night with her for $500. They did their thing,
and, before he left, he told her that he did
not have any cash with him, but he would have his
secretary write a check and mail it to her, calling
the payment 'RENT FOR APARTMENT.'

On the way to the office, he regretted what he had
done, realizing that the whole event had not been
worth the price. So he had his secretary send a check for
$250 and enclose the following typed note:

'Dear Madam:
Enclosed find a check for $250 for rent of your
apartment. I am not sending the amount agreed upon,
because when I rented the place, I was under the
impression that:

#1 - it had never been occupied;
#2 - there was plenty of heat; and
#3 - it was small enough to make me feel cozy and at home.

However, I found out that:
#1 - it had been previously occupied,
#2 - there wasn't any heat, and
#3 - it was entirely too large.

Upon receipt of the note, the girl immediately
returned the check for $250 with the following note:
Dear Sir:
#1 - I cannot understand how you could expect a
beautiful apartment to remain unoccupied indefinitely.
#2 - As for the heat, there is plenty of it, if you
know how to turn it on.
#3 - Regarding the space, the apartment is indeed of
regular size, but if you don't have enough furniture
to fill it, please do not blame the management.
So, Please send the rent in full or we will be forced
to contact your present landlord

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 PostPosted: Sun Jul 14, 2013 10:51 am Reply with quote  
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  e-Bob
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How do you pick out a blind man on a nude beach?

It's not hard.

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