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 PostPosted: Mon Jun 09, 2008 7:44 am Reply with quote  
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  e-Bob
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 PostPosted: Mon Jun 09, 2008 7:48 am Reply with quote  
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  e-Bob
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http://www.eyegas.com/cubiclefreakout/

(hint - try hitting the monitor several times)

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 PostPosted: Wed Jun 11, 2008 9:45 am Reply with quote  
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  e-Bob
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So,

The teacher addresses the class and says "today we are going to learn about stories that have some kind of lesson or moral, so what I want each of you to do is to think of a short story, then think of its lesson."
So, after a while, little Suzie raises her hand "I've got one".

"Yes, go ahead Suzy" the teacher replies.

"A farmer gathers a basketful of fresh eggs and heads off to the market. On the way, he loses grip of the basket and all of the eggs fall and break. The moral of the story is 'dont put all of your eggs in one basket'"

"Very good, Suzie! Anyone else?"

Andrea stands up and says, "This man worked his whole life, saving all of his money for the future. He didn't have any fun - he worked all the time, knowing he'd have plenty of time for fun later. Then, one day, he was run over by a bus and he died."
The teacher immediately said "wow, that's a shocking story, Andrea, what's the moral?"
Andrea replies, "Live your life to the fullest in every moment."

"That's beautiful!" exclaimed the teacher.

At that point, little Tony stands up and says "I'll go."
"So my aunt rachel was a paratrooper in Iraq. One day, their chopper was hit by those terrorist bastards and they had to bail. So, she strapped on a chute, grabbed tons of guns and ammo, a knife, and a bottle of Jack Daniels, and she jumped.
On the way down, she realized she had too much crap and needed to get rid of some stuff, so she downed the whole bottle of JD and chucked the empty bottle. When she landed she immediately loaded up her M-16 and started putting holes in every enemy she saw, until her ammo ran out. Then she threw her gun and took out two of the bastards, then she opened a can of ninja whoopass with her knife. By the time she was done, she was standing on 150 dead bodies."

Horrified, the teacher asked "and-and, wha- what would the moral be to such a horrific story?"

"Well, my dad always says, dont f#$ck with Aunt Rachel when she's been drinkin'"

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 PostPosted: Thu Jun 12, 2008 8:39 am Reply with quote  
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  e-Bob
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One day little Johnny heard a noise and peeked into his parents room to check it out.

He opened the door to see his mom bent over the dresser and dad going at it behind her. Johnny's dad saw him and gave him a little wink as Johnny closed the door.

After business was finished Dad went to check on little Johnny. He opened his bedroom door to find Grandma bent over the dresser and little Johnny going at it behind her.

Dad yelled, 'Johnny, what the hell are you doing?'
Little Johnny replied, 'It's not so funny when its your mom is it?

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 PostPosted: Thu Jun 12, 2008 4:33 pm Reply with quote  
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  e-Bob
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Confucius Say:
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Virginity like bubble
one prick, all gone.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Man who run in front of car
get tired.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Man who run behind car
get exhausted.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Man with hand in pocket
feel cocky all day.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Foolish man give wife grand piano
wise man give wife upright organ.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Man with one chopstick
go hungry.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Man who scratch ass
should not bite fingernails.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Man who eat many prunes
get good run for money.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Baseball is wrong
man with four balls cannot walk.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
War does not determine who is right,
war determine who is left.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Wife who put husband in doghouse
soon find him in cathouse.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Man who fight with wife all day
get no piece at night.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
It take many nails to build crib
but one screw to fill it.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Man who drive like hell
bound to get there.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Man who stand on toilet
is high on pot.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Man who live in glass house
should change clothes in basement.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Man who fish in other man's well
often catch crabs.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Man who fart in church
sit in own pew.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Crowded elevator smell different
to midget.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Woman who fly upside down
have crack up.

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 PostPosted: Mon Jun 16, 2008 5:57 am Reply with quote  
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  e-Bob
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This one is good.
Apparently NOT a joke, but a true story.
Who knows, who cares, if you don't laugh out loud I'll give you your money back.

Bob
==================

Pocket Taser Stun Gun, a great gift for the wife. A guy who purchased his
lovely wife a pocket Taser for their anniversary submitted this:

Last weekend I saw something at Larry's Pistol & Pawn Shop that sparked my
interest. The occasion was our 15th anniversary and I was looking for a
little something extra for my wife Julie. What I came across was a
100,000-volt, pocket/purse-sized taser. The effects of the taser were
supposed to be short lived, with no long-term adverse affect on your
assailant, allowing her adequate time to retreat to safety....??

WAY TOO COOL! Long story short, I bought the device and brought it home.

I loaded two AAA batteries in the darn thing and pushed the button.
Nothing!

I was disappointed. I learned, however, that if I pushed the button AND
pressed it against a metal surface at the same time; I'd get the blue arc
of electricity darting back and forth between the prongs. AWESOME!!!

Unfortunately, I have yet to explain to Julie what that burn spot is on the
face of her microwave.

Okay, so I was home alone with this new toy, thinking to myself that it
couldn't be all that bad with only two triple-A batteries, right?

There I sat in my recliner, my cat Gracie looking on intently (trusting
little soul) while I was reading the directions and thinking that I really needed
to try this thing out on a flesh & blood moving target.

I must admit I thought about zapping Gracie (for a fraction of a second)
and thought better of it. She is such a sweet cat. But, if I was going to
give this thing to my wife to protect herself against a mugger, I did want
some assurance that it would work as advertised. Am I wrong?

So, there I sat in a pair of shorts and a tank top with my reading glasses
perched delicately on the bridge of my nose, directions in one hand, and
taser in another.

The directions said that a one-second burst would shock and disorient your
assailant; a two-second burst was supposed to cause muscle spasms and a
major loss of bodily control; a three-second burst would purportedly make
your assailant flop on the ground like a fish out of water. Any burst
longer than three seconds would be wasting the batteries. All the while I'm
looking at this little device measuring about 5' long, less than 3/4 inch
in circumference; pretty cute really and (loaded with two itsy, bitsy
triple-A batteries) thinking to myself, 'no possible way!'

What happened next is almost beyond description, but I'll do my best...?
I'm sitting there alone, Gracie looking on with her head cocked to one side
as to say, 'don't do it dipshit,' reasoning that a one second burst from
such a tiny little ole thing couldn't hurt all that bad. I decided to give
myself a one second burst just for heck of it. I touched the prongs to my
naked thigh, pushed the button, and . . . HOLY MOTHER OF GOD . . . WEAPONS
OF MASS DESTRUCTION . . . WHAT THE HELL!!!

I'm pretty sure Jessie Ventura ran in through the side door, picked me up
in the recliner, then body slammed us both on the carpet, over and over and
over again. I vaguely recall waking up on my side in the fetal position,
with tears in my eyes, body soaking wet, both nipples on fire, testicles
nowhere to be found, with my left arm tucked under my body in the oddest
position, and tingling in my legs?

The cat was making meowing sounds I had never heard before, clinging to a
picture frame hanging above the fireplace, obviously in an atempt to avoid
getting slammed by my body flopping all over the living room.

Note: If you ever feel compelled to 'mug' yourself with a taser, one note
of caution: there is no such thing as a one second burst when you zap
yourself!

You will not let go of that thing until it is dislodged from your hand by a
violent thrashing about on the floor. A three second burst would be
considered conservative?

SON-OF-A-BITCH, THAT HURT LIKE HELL!!!

A minute or so later (I can't be sure, as time was a relative thing at that
point), I collected my wits (what little I had left), sat up and surveyed
the landscape. My bent reading glasses were on the mantel of the fireplace.
The recliner was upside down and about 8 feet or so from where it
originally was.

My triceps, right thigh and both nipples were still twitching. My face felt
like it had been shot up with Novocaine, and my bottom lip weighed 88 lbs.
I had no control over the drooling. Apparrently I shit myself, but was too
numb to know for sure and my sense of smell was gone. I saw a faint smoke
cloud above my head which I believe came from my hair. I'm still looking
for my nuts and I'm offering a significant reward for their safe return!!

P. S. My wife loved the gift, and now regularly threatens me with it!

'If you think Education is difficult, try being stupid.

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Veni, Vidi, Velcro (I came, I saw, I stuck around.)


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 PostPosted: Tue Jun 17, 2008 6:48 am Reply with quote  
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  e-Bob
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A man bought a new Mercedes to celebrate his wife leaving him and was out on the interstate for a nice evening drive.

The top was down, the breeze was blowing through what was left of his hair and he decided to open her up. As the needle jumped up to 80 mph, he suddenly saw flashing red and blue lights behind him.

"There's no way they can catch a Mercedes," he thought to himself and opened her up further. The needle hit 90, 100.....Then the reality of the situation hit him. "What am I doing?" he thought and pulled over.

The cop came up to him, took his license without a word and examined it and the car.

"It's been a long hard day, this is the end of my shift and it's Friday the 13th. I don't feel like more paperwork, I don't need the frustration or the overtime, so if you can give me a really good excuse for your driving that I haven't heard before, you can go."

The guy thinks about it for a second and says, "Last week my nagging wife ran off with a cop. I was afraid you were trying to give her back!"

"Have a nice weekend," said the officer.

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 PostPosted: Wed Jun 18, 2008 10:08 am Reply with quote  
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  e-Bob
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Two guys walk out of a bar and see a dog licking his balls .
One guy says to the other " i wish i could do that "
The other responds " go ahead I'm sure he doesn't bite."

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 PostPosted: Thu Jun 19, 2008 6:48 am Reply with quote  
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  e-Bob
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A couple was dressed and ready to go out for the evening. They turned on a night-light, turned the answering machine on the phone line, covered their pet parakeet and put the cat in the backyard. They phoned the local cab company and requested a taxi. The taxi arrived and the couple opened the front door to leave their house. The cat they had put out into the yard scoots back into the house. They don't want the cat shut in the house because "she" always tries to eat the bird.

The wife goes out to the taxi while the husband
goes inside to get the cat. The cat runs upstairs, the man in hot pursuit.

The wife doesn't want the driver to know the house will be empty. She explains to the taxi driver that her husband will be out soon.? "He's just going upstairs to say goodbye to my mother."

A few minutes later, the husband gets into the cab. "Sorry I took so long," he says, as they drive away. "Stupid bitch was hiding under the bed. Had to poke her with a coat hanger to get her to come out! Then I had to wrap her in a blanket to keep her from scratching me. But it worked. I hauled her fat ass downstairs and threw her out into the back yard!"

The cabdriver hit a parked car...

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 PostPosted: Fri Jun 20, 2008 2:30 pm Reply with quote  
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  e-Bob
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Three dogs, a Doberman, a Boxer, and a Labrador are sitting in the waiting room at the vet's office when they strike up a conversation. The Doberman turns to the Boxer and says, "So why are you here?"

The Boxer replies, "I'm a pisser. I piss on everything - the sofa, the cat, the kids. But the final straw was last night, when I pissed in the middle of my owner's bed."

The Doberman says, "So what is the vet going to do?"

"Lethal injection," came the reply from the sad Boxer.

The Doberman then turns to the Labrador and asks, "Why are you here?"

The Lab says, "I'm a digger. I dig under fences, dig up flowers and?trees, I dig just for the hell of it. When I'm inside, I dig up the carpets.But I went over the line last night when I dug a great big hole in my owner's couch."

"So what are they going to do to you?" the Doberman inquired.

"Lethal injection," the dejected Labrador said.

The Labrador then turns to the Doberman and asks what he's at the vet's office for.

"I'm a humper," the Doberman says. "I'll hump anything. I'll hump the cat, a pillow, the table, firehydrants, whatever. I want to hump everything I see. Yesterday, my owner had just got out of the shower and was bending down to dry her toes, and I just couldn't help myself. I hopped on her back and started humping away."

The Boxer and Labrador exchange a sad glance and say, "So, lethal injection for you too, huh?"

The Doberman says, "No, I'm here to get my nails clipped!."

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 PostPosted: Mon Jun 23, 2008 1:53 pm Reply with quote  
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  e-Bob
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IN MEMORIUM FOR A COMEDIC GENIUS - HE MADE US THINK AND LAUGH AT THE SAME TIME.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3PiZSFIVFiU

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 PostPosted: Tue Jun 24, 2008 3:44 pm Reply with quote  
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  e-Bob
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Q: What's the difference between a rectal and oral thermometer?

.
.
.
.
.
.
.

A: The taste.

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 PostPosted: Tue Jun 24, 2008 3:46 pm Reply with quote  
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*******Top 10 Country songs********

10. I Hate Every Bone In Her Body But Mine.

9. I Ain't Never Gone To Bed With an Ugly Woman But I Woke Up With a Few.

8. If The Phone Don't Ring, You'll Know It's Me.

7. I've Missed You, But My Aim's Improvin'.

6. Wouldn't Take Her To A Dogfight 'Cause I'm Scared She'd Win.

5. I'm So Miserable Without You It's Like You're Still Here.

4. My Wife Ran Off With My Best Friend And I Miss Him.

3. She Took My Ring and Gave Me the Finger.

2. She's Lookin' Better with Every Beer.

And the Number One Country song is...

1. It's Hard To Kiss The Lips At Night That Chewed My Ass Out All Day Long.

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 PostPosted: Thu Jun 26, 2008 6:26 am Reply with quote  
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A man and a woman are sitting beside each other in the first class section of the plane.

The woman sneezes, takes a tissue, gently wipes her nose, and shudders quite violently in her seat.

The man isn't sure why she is shuddering and goes back to reading.

A few minutes pass. The woman sneezes again. She takes a tissue, gently wipes her nose and shudders quite violently in her seat.

The man is becoming more and more curious about the shuddering.

A few more minutes pass. The woman sneezes yet again. She takes a tissue, gently wipes her nose and shudders violently again.

The man has finally had all he can handle. He turns to the woman and says, "Three times you've sneezed and three times you've taken a tissue and wiped your nose then shuddered violently! Are you ok?"

The woman replies, "I'm sorry if I disturbed you. I have a rare condition and when I sneeze, I have an orgasm."

The man, now feeling a little embarrassed but even more curious says, "I've never heard of that before. What are you taking for it?"

The woman turns to him and says, "Pepper."

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 PostPosted: Fri Jun 27, 2008 10:35 am Reply with quote  
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  e-Bob
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Three guys are in a doctor's office. One is a drunk, another's a smoker and the third's a gay guy. The doctor tells each of them that, if they induldge in their bad habit one more time, they will die.
Outside they pass a bar. The drunk says,

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