******************** ********************
Log in to check your private messages
Joke of the Day
Goto page 1, 2, 3 ... 49, 50, 51  Next
 
Post new topic   Reply to topic    The Knights Who Gamealot Forum Index » Overheard Banter View previous topic :: View next topic  
Joke of the Day
 PostPosted: Mon Apr 28, 2008 7:05 am Reply with quote  
Message
  e-Bob
Jedi Master
Jedi Master

Offline
Joined: 05 Jul 2006
Posts: 871
Location: Massapizza Park
Cr.

The old couple is sitting on the porch on their rocking chairs - rocking...

After about half an hour the old girl takes her cane and whacks the old guy with everything she's got - just below the knees.

The tears well up in his eyes and after about five minutes he manages to compose himself and asks his wife with a quiver in his voice, "What was that for?!"

She replies, "That was for fifty years of bad sex!"

They sit in silence for another 15 minutes when the old guy takes his cane and returns the favor across the old girl's legs.

After managing to compose herself she asks him tearfully, "And what was that for?"

He replies, "That was for knowing the difference!"

_________________
Veni, Vidi, Velcro (I came, I saw, I stuck around.)


View user's profile Send private message

 PostPosted: Tue Apr 29, 2008 7:16 am Reply with quote  
Message
  e-Bob
Jedi Master
Jedi Master

Offline
Joined: 05 Jul 2006
Posts: 871
Location: Massapizza Park
Cr.

The Redneck and the Gorilla

A small Kentucky Wild Animal Park acquired a very rare species of gorilla. Within a few weeks,
the gorilla, who was a female, became very difficult to handle. Upon examination, the park
veterinarian determined the problem. The gorilla was in heat. To make matters worse, there was
no male gorilla available.

Reflecting on their problem, the park administrator thought of Eddie Standen, a large redneck part-time intern, who was responsible for cleaning the animal's cages. Eddie, like most rednecks, had little sense, but possessed ample ability to satisfy a female of any species. The park administrator thought they might have a solution. Eddie was approached with a proposition. Would he be willing to mate with the gorilla for $500.00?

Eddie showed some interest, but said he would have to think the matter over carefully.

The following day, Eddie announced that he would accept their offer, but only under the following four conditions:

1. "First," he said, "I don't want to have to kiss her on the lips." The park administrator quickly agreed to this condition.

2. "Second," Eddie said, "you must never tell anyone about this." The park administrator again readily agreed to this condition.

3. "Third," Eddie said, "I want all the offspring to be raised Southern Baptist." Once again the administrator agreed.

4. And last of all Eddie stated: "You've got to give me another week to come up with the $500.00.

Enjoy

_________________
Veni, Vidi, Velcro (I came, I saw, I stuck around.)


View user's profile Send private message

 PostPosted: Wed Apr 30, 2008 6:47 am Reply with quote  
Message
  e-Bob
Jedi Master
Jedi Master

Offline
Joined: 05 Jul 2006
Posts: 871
Location: Massapizza Park
Cr.

DEAR MADAM:

THANK YOU FOR YOUR RECENT ORDER FROM OUR SEX TOYS SHOP.

YOU ASKED FOR THE LARGE RED VIBRATOR AS FEATURED ON OUR WALL DISPLAY.

PLEASE SELECT ANOTHER ITEM BECAUSE THAT IS OUR FIRE EXTINGUISHER.

_________________
Veni, Vidi, Velcro (I came, I saw, I stuck around.)


View user's profile Send private message

 PostPosted: Thu May 01, 2008 12:04 pm Reply with quote  
Message
  e-Bob
Jedi Master
Jedi Master

Offline
Joined: 05 Jul 2006
Posts: 871
Location: Massapizza Park
Cr.

A little girl goes to the barber shop with her father.
She stands next to the barber chair, while her dad gets his hair cut,
eating a snack cake The barber says to her,

'Sweetheart, you're gonna get hair on your muffin.'
She says, 'Yes, I know, and I'm gonna get boobs too.'

_________________
Veni, Vidi, Velcro (I came, I saw, I stuck around.)


View user's profile Send private message

 PostPosted: Fri May 02, 2008 6:40 am Reply with quote  
Message
  e-Bob
Jedi Master
Jedi Master

Offline
Joined: 05 Jul 2006
Posts: 871
Location: Massapizza Park
Cr.

Mickey Mouse is suing Minnie Mouse for a Divorce. Needless to say the courtroom is packed as Mickey's lawyer stands up to make his opening statement;

"Ladies and gentlemen of the jury, we will prove beyond a shadow of a doubt that Minnie Mouse is clinically insane"

It is at this point that Mickey Mouse jumped up and yelled, " No, no, no I said she was f*#king Goofy!!"

_________________
Veni, Vidi, Velcro (I came, I saw, I stuck around.)


View user's profile Send private message

 PostPosted: Mon May 05, 2008 7:02 am Reply with quote  
Message
  e-Bob
Jedi Master
Jedi Master

Offline
Joined: 05 Jul 2006
Posts: 871
Location: Massapizza Park
Cr.

The other night, I was invited out for a night with "the girls." I told my husband that I would be home by midnight. "I promise," were my last words.

The hours passed and the margaritas went down way too easily and around 3 a.m. we piled into a cab and headed to our respective homes, quite inebriated.

Just as I walked through the door, the cuckoo clock in the hall started up and cuckooed 3 times!

Realizing that my husband would probably wake up to this, I quickly cuckooed another 9 times. I was quit pleased with myself for coming up with such a quick witted solution to cover up my tardiness. Even with my impaired judgment, I could count 3 cuckoos plus 9 cuckoos equaled 12 cuckoos!

The next morning, my husband asked me what time I got in, and confidently, I replied, "Midnight...like I promised." He didn't even raise and eyebrow and went on reading the morning paper! Phew! Got away with that one!

After a moment, he then replied, "I think we might need a new cuckoo clock."

A bit nervously, I asked him why, to which he responded:

"Well, last night our clock cuckooed 3 times, then said, 'Oh, crap,' cuckooed 4 more times, cleared it's throat, cuckooed another 3 times, giggled, cuckooed twice more, then tripped over the coffee table and farted."

_________________
Veni, Vidi, Velcro (I came, I saw, I stuck around.)


View user's profile Send private message

 PostPosted: Mon May 05, 2008 2:55 pm Reply with quote  
Message
  e-Bob
Jedi Master
Jedi Master

Offline
Joined: 05 Jul 2006
Posts: 871
Location: Massapizza Park
Cr.

Sometimes it does NOT pay to be curious!


I was walking past the mental hospital the other day, and all the
patients were shouting '13...13...13.'

The fence was too high to see over, but I saw a little gap in the
planks and looked through to see what was going on.
Someone poked me in the eye with a stick.


Then they all started shouting '14...14...14'

_________________
Veni, Vidi, Velcro (I came, I saw, I stuck around.)


View user's profile Send private message

 PostPosted: Wed May 07, 2008 4:30 pm Reply with quote  
Message
  e-Bob
Jedi Master
Jedi Master

Offline
Joined: 05 Jul 2006
Posts: 871
Location: Massapizza Park
Cr.

Dirty Johnny is never called on cuz he always swears and says rude things. He promises to be better this new school year.

First day, the teacher asks each child to tell us a little about his/her summer vacation, and to use the word "beautiful" in the few sentences at least twice.

DJ raises his hand. Nothing doing.

Jimmy says "My family and I went to a beautiful lake and swam and played an had a nice time. it was a beautiful day."

"Thanks Jimmy", says the teacher. "Who's next?" DJ raises his hand, but the teacher thinks twice again.

Sally says "The most beautiful bride I ever saw was my sister at her wedding this summer. Even the bridesmaid dresses were beautiful, but NOT as beautiful as my sister."

"OK, Sally, good job. Who's next", says the teacher. Finally, she sees that Dirty Johnny really wants to participate so she lets him.

"Well.....we didn't really do all that much this summer. But one day, while we were eating dinner, my 18 yr old sister came into the house and announced that she was pregnant. My dad said, "Beautiful, just fu--ing beautiful."

_________________
Veni, Vidi, Velcro (I came, I saw, I stuck around.)


View user's profile Send private message

 PostPosted: Thu May 08, 2008 7:48 am Reply with quote  
Message
  e-Bob
Jedi Master
Jedi Master

Offline
Joined: 05 Jul 2006
Posts: 871
Location: Massapizza Park
Cr.

HER DIARY

Tonight I thought he was acting weird. We had made plans to meet at a bar to have a drink. I was shopping with my friends all day long, so I thought he was upset at the fact that I was a bit late, but he made no comment. Conversation wasn't flowing so I suggested that we go somewhere quiet so we could talk. He agreed but he kept quiet and absent. I asked him what was wrong; he said nothing. I asked him if it was my fault that he was upset. He said it had nothing to do with me and not to worry. On the way home I told him that I loved him, he simply smiled and kept driving. I can't explain his behavior. I don't know why he didn't say I love you too. When we got home I felt as if I had lost him, as if he wanted nothing to do with me anymore. He just sat there and watched T.V. He seemed distant and absent. Finally, I decided to go to bed. About 10 minutes later he came to bed, and to my surprise he responded to my caress and we made love, but I still felt that he was distracted and his thoughts were somewhere else. He fell asleep. I cried. I don't know what to do. I'm almost sure that his thoughts are with someone else. My life is a disaster.
.
.
.
HIS DIARY

I shot the worst round of golf in my life today, but at least I got
laid.

_________________
Veni, Vidi, Velcro (I came, I saw, I stuck around.)


View user's profile Send private message

 PostPosted: Fri May 09, 2008 8:16 am Reply with quote  
Message
  e-Bob
Jedi Master
Jedi Master

Offline
Joined: 05 Jul 2006
Posts: 871
Location: Massapizza Park
Cr.

DINNER WITH THE GIRLFRIEND'S PARENTS

A girl asks her boyfriend to come over Friday night and have dinner with her parents. Since this is such a big event, the girl announces to her boyfriend that after dinner, she would like to go out and make love for the first time.

Well, the boy is ecstatic, but he has never had sex before, so he takes a trip to the pharmacist to get some condoms. He tells the pharmacist it's his first time and the pharmacist helps the boy for about an hour.

He tells the boy everything there is to know about condoms and sex.

At the register, the pharmacist asks the boy how many condoms he'd like to buy, a 3-pack, 10-pack, or family pack. The boy insists on the family pack because he thinks he will be rather busy, it being his first time and all.

That night, the boy shows up at the girl's parents house and meets his girlfriend at the door. "Oh, I'm so excited for you to meet my parents, come on in!"

The boy goes inside and is taken to the dinner table where the girl's parents are seated. The boy quickly offers to say grace and bows his head.

A minute passes, and the boy is still deep in prayer, with his head down.

10 minutes pass, and still no movement from the boy.

Finally, after 20 minutes with his head down, the girlfriend leans over and whispers to the boyfriend, "I had no idea you were this religious."

The boy turns, and whispers back, "I had no idea your father was a pharmacist."

_________________
Veni, Vidi, Velcro (I came, I saw, I stuck around.)


View user's profile Send private message

 PostPosted: Sat May 10, 2008 9:02 am Reply with quote  
Message
  e-Bob
Jedi Master
Jedi Master

Offline
Joined: 05 Jul 2006
Posts: 871
Location: Massapizza Park
Cr.

The Empire Strikes Barak

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=a8lvc-azCXY&feature=email

_________________
Veni, Vidi, Velcro (I came, I saw, I stuck around.)


View user's profile Send private message

 PostPosted: Mon May 12, 2008 7:44 am Reply with quote  
Message
  e-Bob
Jedi Master
Jedi Master

Offline
Joined: 05 Jul 2006
Posts: 871
Location: Massapizza Park
Cr.

John was a salesman's delight when it came to any kind of unusual gimmick. His wife Marsha had long ago given up trying to get him to change.

One day, John came home with another one of his unusual purchases. It was a robot that John claimed was actually a lie detector. It was just about 5:30 that afternoon when Tommy, their 13 year old son, returned home from school. Tommy was over 2 hours late.

'Where have you been? Why are you over 2 hours late getting home?', they asked. 'Several of us went to the library to work on an extra credit project' said Tommy. The Robot then walked around the table and slapped Tommy, knocking him completely out of his chair.

'Son, this robot is a lie detector, now tell us where you went after school.' 'We went to Bobby's house and watched a movie.' 'What did you watch?' asked Marsha. ''The Ten Commandments.' answered Tommy. The Robot went around to Tommy and once again slapped him, knocking him off his chair.

With lip quivering, Tommy got up, sat down and said, 'I am sorry I lied. We really watched a tape called Sex Queen.'

'I'm ashamed of you Son,' said John. 'When I was your age, I never lied to my parents.' The robot then walked around to John and delivered a roundhouse right that nearly knocked him out of his chair.

Marsha was bent double laughing, almost in tears. 'Boy, did you ever ask for that one! And you can't be too mad with Tommy. After all, He is your son!' The Robot immediately walked around to Marsha and wacked her too.

_________________
Veni, Vidi, Velcro (I came, I saw, I stuck around.)


View user's profile Send private message

 PostPosted: Tue May 13, 2008 6:55 am Reply with quote  
Message
  e-Bob
Jedi Master
Jedi Master

Offline
Joined: 05 Jul 2006
Posts: 871
Location: Massapizza Park
Cr.

A very sexually active woman tells her plastic surgeon that she wants her
Vaginal lips reduced in size because they were loose and flapping. Out of
Embarrassment she insisted that the surgery be kept a secret and the surgeon agreed.

Awakening from the anesthesia after the surgery she found three roses
Carefully placed beside her on the bed. Outraged, she immediately calls in the doctor. 'I thought I asked you not to tell anyone about my operation!'

The surgeon told her he had carried out her wish for confidentiality and
That the first rose was from him: 'I felt sad because you went through this all by yourself.'

'The second rose is from my nurse. She assisted me in the surgery and
empathized because she had the same procedure done some time ago.'

'And what about the third rose?' she asked.

'Oh, that rose is from a man upstairs in the burn unit. He wanted to thank you for his new ears.'

_________________
Veni, Vidi, Velcro (I came, I saw, I stuck around.)


View user's profile Send private message

 PostPosted: Wed May 14, 2008 7:51 am Reply with quote  
Message
  e-Bob
Jedi Master
Jedi Master

Offline
Joined: 05 Jul 2006
Posts: 871
Location: Massapizza Park
Cr.

John O'Reilly hoisted his beer and said, "Here's to spending the rest of me life, between the legs of me wife!"
That won him the top prize at the pub for the best toast of the night!
He went home and told his wife, Mary, "I won the prize for the best toast of the night."
She said, "Aye, did ye now. And what was your toast?"
John said, "Here's to spending the rest of me life, sitting in church beside me wife."
"Oh, that is very nice indeed, John!" Mary said.
The next day, Mary ran into one of John's drinking buddies on the street corner. The man chuckled leeringly and said, "John won the prize the other night at the pub with a toast about you, Mary."
She said, "Aye, he told me, and I was a bit surprised meself. You know, he's only been there twice in the last four years. Once he fell asleep, and the other time I had to pull him by the ears to make him come."

_________________
Veni, Vidi, Velcro (I came, I saw, I stuck around.)


View user's profile Send private message

 PostPosted: Thu May 15, 2008 8:45 am Reply with quote  
Message
  e-Bob
Jedi Master
Jedi Master

Offline
Joined: 05 Jul 2006
Posts: 871
Location: Massapizza Park
Cr.












_________________
Veni, Vidi, Velcro (I came, I saw, I stuck around.)


View user's profile Send private message

Post new topic   Reply to topic    The Knights Who Gamealot Forum Index » Overheard Banter

Page 1 of 51
All times are GMT - 5 Hours
Goto page 1, 2, 3 ... 49, 50, 51  Next

Display posts from previous:

  

Jump to:  
You cannot post new topics in this forum
You cannot reply to topics in this forum
You cannot edit your posts in this forum
You cannot delete your posts in this forum
You cannot vote in polls in this forum
You cannot attach files in this forum
You can download files in this forum


Powered by phpBB © 2001, 2002 phpBB Group
Jedi Knights 2 by Scott Stubblefield