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 PostPosted: Wed Oct 09, 2013 10:20 am Reply with quote  
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  e-Bob
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 PostPosted: Thu Oct 17, 2013 1:55 pm Reply with quote  
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  e-Bob
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Musta bin a gradation cak!


No freaking clue!


Election season again

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 PostPosted: Tue Oct 29, 2013 9:54 am Reply with quote  
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  Justin Chase
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The Barber


A guy stuck his head into a barbershop and asked, "How long before I can get a haircut?"
The barber looked around the shop full of customers and said, "About 2 hours."

The guy left.

A few days later, the same guy stuck his head in the door and asked, "How long before I can get a haircut?"
The barber looked around at the shop and said, "About 3 hours."

The guy left.

A week later, the same guy stuck his head in the shop and asked, "How long before I can get a haircut?"
The barber looked around the shop and said, "About an hour and a half."

The guy left.

The barber turned to his friend and said, "Hey, Bob, do me a favour , follow him and see where he goes.
He keeps asking how long he has to wait for a haircut, but he never comes back."

A little while later, Bob returned to the shop, laughing hysterically.
The barber asked, "So, where does he go when he leaves?"

Bob looked up, wiped the tears from his eyes and said,

"Your house!"

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 PostPosted: Wed Oct 30, 2013 11:29 am Reply with quote  
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  e-Bob
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Dear Mum,

Our Scoutmaster told us to write to our parents in case you saw the flood on TV and got worried. We are okay. Only one of our tents and 2 sleeping bags got washed away. Luckily, none of us got drowned because we were all up on the mountain looking for Adam when it happened.
Oh yes, please call Adam's mother and tell her he is okay. He can't write because of the cast. I got to ride in one of the search and rescue Jeeps. It was great. We never would have found Adam in the dark if it hadn't been for the lightning.
Scoutmaster Ted got mad at Adam for going on a hike alone without telling anyone. Adam said he did tell him, but it was during the fire so he probably didn't hear him. Did you know that if you put petrol on a fire, it will blow up?
The wet wood didn't burn, but one of the tents did and also some of our clothes. Matthew is going to look weird until his hair grows back.
We will be home on Saturday if Scoutmaster Ted gets the bus fixed. It wasn't his fault about the crash. The brakes worked okay when we left. Scoutmaster Ted said that with a bus that old, you have to expect something to break down; that's probably why he can't get insurance.
We think it's a super bus. He doesn't care if we get it dirty, and if it's hot, sometimes he lets us ride on the bumpers. It gets pretty hot with 45 people in a bus made for 24. He let us take turns riding in the trailer until the policeman stopped and talked to us.
Scoutmaster Ted is a neat guy. Don't worry, he is a good driver. In fact, he is teaching Horace how to drive on the mountain roads where there aren't any cops. All we ever see up there are huge logging trucks.
This morning all of the guys were diving off the rocks and swimming out to the rapids. Scoutmaster Ted wouldn't let me because I can't swim, and Adam was afraid he would sink because of his cast , so he let us take the canoe out. It was great. You can still see some of the trees under the water from the flood.
Scoutmaster Ted isn't crabby like some scoutmasters. He didn't even get mad about the life jackets. He has to spend a lot of time working on the bus so we are trying not to cause him any trouble.
Guess what? We have all passed our first aid merit badges. When Andrew dived into the lake and cut his arm, we all got to see how a tourniquet works.
Steve and I threw up, but Scoutmaster Ted said it was probably just food poisoning from the left-over chicken. He said they got sick that way with food they ate in prison. I'm so glad he got out and became our scoutmaster. He said he sure figured out how to get things done better while he was doing his time. By the way, what is a pedal-file?
I have to go now. We are going to town to post our letters and buy some more beer and ammo. Don't worry about anything. We are fine and tonight it's my turn to sleep in the Scoutmaster's tent.

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 PostPosted: Thu Nov 21, 2013 6:52 am Reply with quote  
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  e-Bob
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There was a man who was stranded on a desert island with his German Shepard and a Sheep. A year goes by and the guy can't stop thinking about sex. Thinking that he was never going to get off the island he starts thinking about the sheep. One day he can't take it any more and he decides that he is going to do the poor sheep. But every time he gets near the sheep the dog growls and snaps at him. After a few months of trying he finally gives up.

Then, one day there is a fierce storm and when it clears he looks out into the ocean and see's a Yacht sinking and a woman floundering in the water. So he swims out into the ocean and pulls her to the saftey of shore. He looks down at her and she is the most beautiful woman he has ever seen. She looks up and him and calls him a hero says thank you for saving me. I'll do any thing you ask of me. So the guy looks down at her and says "come to think of it, can you take the dog for a walk for about 30 minutes

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 PostPosted: Thu Nov 21, 2013 11:39 am Reply with quote  
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  e-Bob
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 PostPosted: Fri Nov 22, 2013 7:34 am Reply with quote  
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  e-Bob
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EMBARRASSING MEDICAL EXAMS

1. A man comes into the ER and yells . . .'My wife's going to have her baby in the cab.'

I grabbed my stuff, rushed out to the cab, lifted the lady's dress and began to take off her underwear.

Suddenly I noticed that there were several cabs - - -
and I was in the wrong one.

Submitted by Dr. Mark MacDonald,
San Francisco

2... At the beginning of my shift I placed a stethoscope on an elderly and slightly deaf female patient's anterior chest wall.

'Big breaths,'. . . I instructed.
'Yes, they used to be,'. . . Replied the patient.

Submitted by Dr. Richard Byrnes,
Seattle, WA

3. One day I had to be the bearer of bad news when I told a wife that her husband had died of a massive myocardial infarct.

Not more than five minutes later, I heard her
Reporting to the rest of the family that he had
Died of a 'massive internal fart.'

Submitted by Dr. Susan Steinberg

4. During a patient's two week follow-up appointment with his cardiologist, he informed me, his doctor,
that he was having trouble with one of his medications.
'Which one?'. .. . I asked.
'The patch.'
'The Nurse told me to put on a new one every six hours
and now I'm running out of places to put it!'

I had him quickly undress and discovered what I hoped I wouldn't see.

Yes, the man had over fifty patches on his body!
Now, the instructions include removal of the old patch
before applying a new one.

Submitted by Dr. Rebecca St. Clair,
Norfolk, VA

5. While acquainting myself with a new elderly patient, I asked,
'How long have you been bedridden?'

After a look of complete confusion she answered,
' Why, not for about twenty years - when my husband was alive.'

Submitted by Dr. Steven Swanson,
Corvallis, OR

6. I was performing rounds at the hospital one morning and while checking up on a man I asked . . .' So how's your breakfast this morning?'
'It's very good except for the Kentucky Jelly.
I can't seem to get used to the taste,' Bob replied.

I then asked to see the jelly and Bob produced
a foil packet labeled 'KY Jelly.'

Submitted by Dr. Leonard Kransdorf,
Detroit

7. A nurse was on duty in the Emergency Room
when a young woman with purple hair styled
into a punk rocker Mohawk, sporting a variety of tattoos,
and wearing strange clothing, entered.
It was quickly determined that the patient had acute appendicitis,
so she was scheduled for immediate surgery.

When she was completely disrobed on the operating table,
the staff noticed that her pubic hair had been dyed green
and above it there was a Tattoo that read . . .' Keep off the grass.'

Once the surgery was completed, the surgeon wrote a short note on the patient's dressing, Which said, 'Sorry . . . Had to mow the lawn.'

Submitted by RN no name,

AND FINALLY!! ! . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .

8. As a new, young MD doing his residency in OB,
I was quite embarrassed when performing female pelvic exams.
To cover my embarrassment I had unconsciously
formed a habit of whistling softly.

The middle-aged lady upon whom I was performing this exam
suddenly burst out laughing,
further embarrassing me.

I looked up from my work and sheepishly said. . ..
' I'm sorry. Was I tickling you?'

She replied with tears running down her cheeks from laughing so hard . . ..

' No doctor but the song you were whistling was,
' I wish I was an Oscar Meyer Wiener .'

Dr. Wouldn't submit his name....

1 MORE
Baby's First Doctor Visit

This made me laugh out loud.
I hope it will give you a smile!

A woman and a baby were in the doctor's examining room,
waiting for the doctor to come in for the baby's first exam.

The doctor arrived, and examined the baby, checked his weight, and being a little concerned, asked if the baby was breast-fed or bottle-fed.
'Breast-fed,' she replied.

'Well, strip down to your waist,' the doctor ordered.

She did.
He pinched her nipples, pressed, kneaded,
and rubbed both breasts for a while
in a very professional and detailed examination.

Motioning to her to get dressed, the doctor said,
'No wonder this baby is underweight. You don't have any milk.'

'I know,' she said, 'I'm his Grandma,

But I'm glad I came.'

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 PostPosted: Fri Dec 06, 2013 7:10 am Reply with quote  
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  e-Bob
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A black guy and a redneck go into a pastry shop.

The black guy whisks three cookies into his pocket with lightning speed.
The baker doesn't notice.

The black guy says to the redneck:
"You see how clever we are?
You rednecks can never beat that!"

The redneck says to the black guy:
"Watch this, any Redneck is smarter than that and I'll prove it to ya."

He says to the baker, "Give me a cookie, I'll show you a magic trick!"
The baker gives him the cookie, which the redneck promptly eats. Then he says to the baker:
"Give me another cookie for my magic trick."

The baker is getting suspicious, but he gives it to him.
He eats this one too.
Then he says again: "Give me one more cookie..."
The baker is getting angry now, but gives him one anyway.
The Redneck eats this one too.

Now the baker is really mad, and he yells:
"And where is your famous magic trick?"

The redneck says,
"Look in the black guys pocket!"

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 PostPosted: Sun Dec 22, 2013 1:27 pm Reply with quote  
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  e-Bob
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One dark night outside a small town in Minnesota, a fire started inside the local chemical plant and in a blink of an eye it exploded into massive flames. The alarm went out to all the fire departments for miles around.

When the volunteer fire fighters appeared on the scene, the chemical company president rushed to the fire chief and said, "All our secret formulas are in the vault in the center of the plant. They must be saved. I will give $50,000 to the fire department that brings them out intact." But the roaring flames held the firefighters off.

Soon more fire departments had to be called in as the situation became desperate. As the firemen arrived, the president shouted out that the offer was now $100,000 to the fire department who could bring out the company's secret files.

From the distance, a lone siren was heard as another fire truck came into sight. It was the nearby Glenville rural township volunteer fire company composed mainly of Norwegians over the age of 65. To everyone's amazement, that little run-down fire engine roared right past all the newer sleek engines that were parked outside the plant.

Without even slowing down it drove straight into the middle of the inferno. Outside, the other firemen watched as the Norwegian old timers jumped off right in the middle of the fire fought it back on all sides. It was a performance and effort never seen before. Within a short time, the Norske old timers had extinguished the fire and had saved the secret formulas. The grateful chemical company president announced that for such a superhuman feat he was upping the reward to $200,000, and walked over to personally thank each of the brave fire fighters.

The local TV news reporter rushed in to capture the event on film, asking their chief, "What are you going to do with all that money?"

"Vell," said Ole Larsen, the 70-year-old fire chief, "Da first thing ve gonna do is fix da brakes on dat focking truck!"

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 PostPosted: Fri Feb 14, 2014 6:35 am Reply with quote  
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  e-Bob
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A young cowboy walks into a seedy cafe in Western Oklahoma. He sits at the counter and notices an old cowboy with his arms folded staring blankly at a full bowl of chili. After fifteen minutes of just sitting there staring at it, the young cowboy bravely asks the old cowpoke, 'If you ain't gonna eat that, mind if I do?' The older cowboy slowly turns his head toward the young wrangler and in his best Okie manner says, 'Nah, go ahead.' Eagerly, the young cowboy reaches over and slides the bowl over to his place and starts spooning it in with delight. He gets nearly down to the bottom and notices a dead mouse in the chili. The sight was shocking and he immediately barfs up the chili into the bowl. The old cowboy quietly says, 'Yep, that's as far as I got, too'.

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 PostPosted: Fri Feb 14, 2014 1:27 pm Reply with quote  
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  e-Bob
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Location: Massapizza Park
Cr.


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 PostPosted: Mon Apr 07, 2014 8:06 am Reply with quote  
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  e-Bob
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Just because someone doesn't love you the way you want them to, doesn't mean they don't love you with all they have. Ralph and Edna were both patients in a mental hospital. One day while they were walking past the hospital swimming pool, Ralph suddenly jumped into the deep end.

He sank to the bottom of the pool and stayed there.

Edna promptly jumped in to save him. She swam to the bottom and pulled him out. When the Head Nurse Director became awareof Edna's heroic act she immediately ordered her to be discharged from the hospital, as she now considered her to be mentally stable.

When she went to tell Edna the news she said, 'Edna, I have good news and bad news. The good news is you're being discharged,since you were able to rationally respond to a crisis by jumping in and saving the life of the person you love... I have concluded that your act displays sound mindedness.

The bad news is, Ralph hung himself in the bathroom with his bathrobe belt right after you saved him. I am so sorry, but he's dead.'

Edna replied, 'He didn't hang himself, I put him there to dry..
How soon can I go home?'

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The Cowboy
 PostPosted: Sun Apr 13, 2014 6:39 am Reply with quote  
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  Justin Chase
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A Cowboy sitting in a saloon one Saturday night recognized an
elderly man standing at the bar who, in his day, had the reputation of
being the fastest gun in the West.

The young cowboy took a place next to the old-timer, bought him a
drink and told him the story of his great ambition.

"Do you think you could give me some tips?' he asked.



The old man looked him up and down and said, 'Well, for one thing,
you're wearing your gun too high, tie the holster a little lower down
on your leg.'



'Will that make me a better gunfighter?' asked the young man.



'Sure will,'replied the old-timer.



The young man did as he was told, stood up, whipped out his 44 and
shot the bow tie off the piano player.



'That's terrific!' said the hot shot. 'Got any more tips for me?'



'Yep,' said the old man. 'Cut a notch out of your holster where
the hammer hits it, that'll give you a smoother draw'



'Will that make me a better gunfighter?' asked the younger man.



'You bet it will,' said the old-timer.



The young man took out his knife, cut the notch, stood up, drew
his gun in a blur, and then shot a cufflink off the piano player.



'Wow!' exclaimed the cowboy 'I'm learnin' somethin' here. Got any
more tips?'



The old man pointed to a large can in a corner of the saloon.
'See that axle grease over there? Coat your gun with it.'



The young man went over to the can and smeared some of the grease
on the barrel of his gun.



'No,' said the old-timer, 'I mean smear it all over the gun,
handle and all.'



'Will that make me a better gunfighter?' asked the young man.



'No,' said the old-timer, 'but when Wyatt Earp gets done playing
the piano, he's gonna shove that gun up your ass, and it won't hurt as much.

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